The easiest way out of any conflict in your marriage must have been pinning the blame on your partner and getting away with it. But have you ever reflected on your own flaws and shortcomings or maybe unhealed traumas, as to how they may be contributing silently to the decline of your emotional connection with your spouse? Well, most of us really don’t!
Here are 15 eye-opening signs that may show your behavior may be part of the problem and in the worst-case scenario the whole problem.
You Always Think Your Spouse Is the Problem
You have subconsciously decided that whenever a problem arises your partner is the one to blame. This instinct has become so normal that you may have stopped introspection and reflection on your own part in the problem.
You Rarely Apologize
You expect your partner to apologize to end the conflict. You may feel they cause all the hurt but if they are the one who initiates contact every single time, putting aside their ego then maybe you need to reassess your own role in the relationship. You may be the one operating on ego and keeping resentment at the heart of every conflict.
You Turn Every Disagreement Into a Competition
You are more keen on having the last word in an argument rather than seeking repair. When your desire to prove you are right overrides your understanding, compassion and respect of your partner then this is alarming.
You Use the Silent Treatment to Punish Them
You may have been unknowingly inflicting emotional harm, anxiety, stress and guilt, upon your spouse by using silence as a punitive tactic. Silent treatment and stonewalling are antithetical to respectful and healthy communication.
You Constantly Criticize Them
Not a day goes by when you don’t criticize them. This dissuades them from emotionally investing in the relationship when everything they do becomes a point of conflict and criticism. Appreciation should flow both ways, a lack thereof slowly eats away at the emotional connection.
You Bring Up Old Mistakes During Every Argument
You allow resentment from the past to take charge during disagreements and you bring up 5-year-old grievances which effectively take the attention away from the current issue you are facing as a couple.
You Expect Them to Read Your Mind
Ask yourself, do you tell your feelings and emotional needs upfront or do you expect them to read your mind about what expectations you have from them? If you don’t explicitly say something and get disappointed when they fail to fulfill your unspoken needs, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
You Keep Score of Everything You Do
You are not just doing favors, you are keeping a mental scoreboard of what you contribute to the marriage. Every chore, every task, every expense, or every compromise becomes a score. The marriage starts to feel transactional rather than a partnership.
You Stop Making an Effort After Getting Comfortable
You have stopped giving any input in your marriage. You have left it in autopilot mode. You can be thoughtful and mindful of your interactions. But if you become laid back and expect all efforts from your partner alone, then without affirmation and appreciation emotional distance creeps in.
You Make Everything About You
Do you feel like the constant victim? If yes, you may make every disagreement every conflict and every conversation about your hurt, their emotional neglect and your perspective. This may make your spouse start to feel invisible in their own marriage.
You Share Private Marriage Problems With Everyone
Seeking counseling is fine but if you go around complaining about your marital woes to the entire world, to your family or to your friends then you are violating the sanctity of marriage. This way you lose your partner’s respect and trust as they feel nothing is safe with you once spoken. This makes your private problems harder to resolve.
You Become Defensive Instead of Listening
You don’t enter a discussion with a mindset to resolve. You may always want to have the upper hand. This may lead to an emotional stalemate where unresolved issues turn into frustration and resentment.
You Compare Your Marriage to Other Couples
Social media has created the comparison trap. All couples have an ideal version of marital life being shown online. What most forget is that people show the best bits of their marriage online. But you end up comparing your marital struggles to the picture-perfect couples you view on social media.
You Don’t Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries
Another important issue that you may face is that you show utter disregard for your partner’s digital, physical or emotional boundaries. Have they expressed their discomfort when you don’t allow them the right to personal space? Or when you try to strip them of their autonomy or decision-making? If you repeatedly ignore their reasonable limits you erode trust and emotional safety.
You Expect Your Spouse to Make You Happy All the Time
You can’t rely on one person to make you happy all the time. An emotionally mature partner does not depend on their partner to fix their moods all the time. Marriage is not a rehab centre where one partner carries the entire emotional burden of the relationship. Entering the marriage with a wrong expectation will hurt.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes, all we need is to sit down and have an honest assessment of our own contribution in making the marriage suffer when it hits rock bottom. Just like it takes two to tango for a marriage to work out, unhealthy patterns from both partners add to the damage as well. Be emotionally mature to hold yourself accountable, work on yourself and offer your best version to your partner and see the magic unfold. Trust me this trick works better than dumping all the blame on your spouse and fuming with anger all the time. Go try yourself. May the force be with you. Recognising your mistake doesn’t make you small but what it does do is save your marriage from falling apart before it is too late.
Have you ever paid attention to your own patterns and behaviors that may be contributing to your marital struggles? If not, maybe it’s time you did.
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