No marriage exists without its ups and downs. If you are facing challenges in your marital life and are at the brink of divorce, and there is this uncertainty of not knowing whether the marriage is temporarily struggling or genuinely broken. It’s worth asking yourself these 14 questions for clarity. This will help you decide whether you need to work on your connection or walk away. However, keep in mind these questions are intended for relationships where reconciliation is safe and possible, and both partners are willing to make meaningful changes.
Am I Being Honest Or Operating Out Of Anger?
You simply need to ask yourself this question. The answer will tell if you have even tried sorting the issue by addressing it openly and calmly? Or you are just seeking an escape from the troubles out of frustration.
Am I even Trying To Understand My Spouse?
When you enter an argument without any intention to resolve the issues you end up getting nothing out of it. Your ego makes you defend yourself instead of trying to understand your partner’s perspective. Unless you are willing to listen to your partner, effective communication and problem solving remains elusive.
Am I Bothered About The Present Issue Or Is It My Resentment?
When you become resentful and let the past mistakes and unhealed traumas take control of your mind, then even a minor issue can spiral out of control as you bring up past issues. If your partner has genuinely apologized for the past hurts, and has changed their behavior you need to let go of the scoreboard as well. Deal with the current issue without dragging the previous ones.
Do I Hold Myself Accountable For My Part In The Current Problems?
You know what’s easy? Deflecting accountability and pinning blame on your partner. And what’s hard? Holding yourself accountable and accepting your own flaws before you point fingers at your partner. Before you choose divorce, choose the harder path once to reach a decision with fairness.
Do I Treat My Partner The Way I Want To Be Treated?
Many times, the issues are small but it’s the tone and manner in which you convey your grievance that exacerbates the conflict. Ask yourself honestly, would you talk and behave the same way with a friend or your colleagues like you do with your partner?
Do I Lack Genuine Curiosity In My Partner’s Life?
After some years the monotony sets in and added responsibilities take away the spark and natural desire to stay in sync with each other’s worlds. When you choose to part ways ask yourself once, do you express the same level of interest and curiosity in your partner’s life as you did when you two got married?
Are You Openly And Respectfully Communicating?
You may be two highly compatible and lovely individuals but a flawed and outdated mode of communication got in your way. Maybe you sought instant solutions through debates and heated exchanges, and maybe he needed time to process his emotions before sitting down to talk? This created a divide which some effort could bridge by preventing divorce.
When Was The Last Time You Sat Together And Had A Hearty Laugh?
When a couple allows predictability and routine to strip away their environment and joy at seeing each other and having a quality time together, the emotional connection erodes. Ask yourself did you both stop spending carefree moments together because you were too busy fulfilling your responsibilities and thought that was enough? Rebuild those stress free moments, allow the healing power of laughter to repair your wounds.
Do I See Them As An Ally Or An Opponent?
Due to some past mistakes or hurtful patterns you may harbor deep grudges for your partner and mentally position them as your opponent. When you operate from a me versus them mindset instead of “us” versus the challenges mindset, things go downhill.
Do I allow Outside Negative Influences To Impact My Marriage?
Is your connection with your partner suffering because of your financial struggles? Worries about children? Or your overwhelming workload? Or even an outsider inculcating a negative opinion of your spouse in your mind.
Have I Expressed My Expectations Clearly?
Do you expect your partner to read your mind? Or do you put forward your emotional and physical needs and other expectations clear to them? The former destroys your emotional connection, and deep-seated resentment accumulates.
Do I disrupt The Peace By Bringing In Unnecessary Comparisons?
Do you compare your marriage to the ones you see as an ideal? Like that friend with an ideal spouse or that celebrity couple everyone loves or even the fake lives of influencers on social media? This kills attraction as your spouse starts feeling no matter what they do they will never be enough for you and they eventually stop putting in efforts to seek your approval.
What Will Work To Rebuild My Connection With My Spouse?
Look at all the things that might be impacting your connection with your partner. Is it poor communication? Resentment and ego overcoming your desire to reconcile? Lack of quality time together? Or constant comparisons? Find the cause first to work out the solution.
Have I Tried Or Am I Giving Up Too Soon?
If the answer is no. Then seek couples counseling, mending your ways and communication to work around your problems before you walk away.
Final Thoughts
In the end, every marriage witnesses some very happy and some very dark moments. What separates a successful couple from an unsuccessful one is that they never stop trying, they keep rekindling the spark, maintain open communication and don’t allow outside influence to ruin their connection. If you find some soft space in your heart for your partner and respect them then it’s worth an effort to give your marriage a second chance and maybe together you can avert the divorce.
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