Many dating articles and blogs are laden with practical instructions about the do’s and don’ts of dating a woman. Partly because women are usually more vocal about their emotional experiences and boundaries so men’s experiences get overlooked. But men feel deeply too, and may get hurt by the way women behave around them on a first date or in any general interaction. Many times during a relaxed conversation suddenly his tone drops, his responses get brief and he seems eager to end the conversation while the speaker might not have meant harm. But there is a reason, there are certain questions that might cross the line with men without you even realizing it.
“What Are You Thinking About Right Now?”
Men usually need some time to process a thought before they can express it clearly to you. But when you force a man to share his half-formed thoughts with you you may unknowingly annoy him. He may or may not be thinking about intimacy as you may have assumed from his stare into the blank space. Most men don’t like it when you make assumptions about his intentions.
“Are You Really Going To Eat All That?”
Commenting on someone’s eating habits is downright disrespectful and a clear violation of their personal boundaries. Even if you intended to be playful it may come across as intrusive and humiliating. Turning an enjoyable meal into a bitter experience with you.
“Why Do You Need Another Watch / Tool / Hobby?”
When a man expresses his excitement about a purchase he recently made instead of joining him in the excitement you end up criticising his personal choices. He feels you don’t see him as a human beyond the financial provider who brings financial stability to your shared home. When you question his hobbies, friendships or interests he may feel he even needs permission for having basic human needs.
“Are You Sure You Know How to Get There?”
Men like to be trusted for their leadership and problem solving skills. You may have just meant to be funny but asking him if he even knows which way to go while he drives you somewhere may feel like a direct blow on his self-esteem and confidence.
“Why Can’t You Be More Like [Friend’s Partner]?”
Even if you really wanted him to improve in certain areas you feel he lacks in, bringing up a casual comparison with another man hurts his ego. He may start to feel inadequate and that no matter what he does he will never be enough for you. This leads to a man emotionally withdrawing from you eventually.
“How Much Did That Cost?”
Unless you manage a joint budget together, you have no right to ask this question. Imagine he brings you a ring excitedly, and the moment you receive it instead of thanking him you get upset asking how it must have cost a fortune. On top of that you remind him, the house needs a xyz thing right now at a priority not a ring. Or worse when you question a thing he has bought for himself and you make him feel like he needs your consent to go ahead with even a small indulgence.
“Do You Actually Like My Friends, or are you just pretending?”
This is a trap. If he’s respectful and welcoming towards your friend, asking him this question may come across you doubting his true intentions and feelings about your friends circle. And unknowingly creates friction with them in future.
“When are you going to get a real promotion / career upgrade?”
He may already be upset with his career hitting a stagnation point while his peers are getting promotions, and he comes home to you and you add to his misery by asking the same question. You may be sincere and encouraging in your motives, but to him it seems you’re highlighting his limitations.
“Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad at me?”
Assuming every time he goes quiet it’s about you is unfair to a man. He may be struggling internally about something entirely unrelated to your relationship but when you keep asking the same questions he gets defensive.
“Do you really think she’s attractive?”
Asking a man his views about if he finds another woman attractive is seriously a foolish thing to do. It’s a lose-lose trap, if he says yes you get offended and if he says no you might say he’s lying.
“Why don’t you talk to your family more?”
You may not know his relationship dynamics with his family, his childhood traumas, etc.But constantly asking him the reason behind his low contact with his family might touch upon unhealed wounds or insecurities that you may not be aware of. His family relations and boundaries are his personal decisions in which you must have but very little to no say.
“Don’t you think you’re getting a little old for that?”
Clothing, festivals, video games, etc anything that he likes is his own choice. When you trespass that boundary time and again reminding him time and again how he’s way past the age for pursuing the very things he likes and enjoys, these micro-criticisms and unsolicited advice don’t sit too well with him.
“What Did You Do All Day?”
Whether you are dating or are in a serious relationship when he comes to seek solace in your company, asking him about his entire schedule and routine of the whole day may instantly irritate him especially if he had a bad day. Don’t give him “his supervisor’s” feel, rather create an emotionally safe space for him where he comes to feel welcomed and relaxed.
The Takeaway: Impact Over Intent
What a man may not understand is that many of these statements or questions are rarely out of malice or bad intent. These may stem from your desire to connect deeply, protect his image, or plan for a secure future together. However, if you feel he’s constantly being pulled apart because he feels interrogated from out questions you need to sit down and communicate your intentions clearly so he too can reciprocate and respect, trust and understanding between you can be restored.
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