Many marriages are plagued by outside interference, the most heartbreaking part sometimes is to realise it could be coming from none other than your partner’s own mother. She may subconsciously position herself as your enemy. The person your spouse loved more than anyone else, and now in your mother-in-law’s mind you may be here to compete for her beloved child’s attention, time and love. The fear of abandonment and panic may start to show up as controlling and entitled behaviors to your irritation. If you’re not careful you may end up ruining your connection with your spouse or fiancé and maybe even lose them.
Stop Trying to Win Her Approval
The day you understand your worth doesn’t rely on her approval, her comments, insinuations and interfering tactics will immediately lose their power over you. She has power only as long as you allow her comments to influence you.
Let Your Spouse Handle Their Parent
Instead of engaging in any disagreement with a mother-in-law who may use every opportunity to stir chaos in your life, listen calmly when she interferes. Let your partner deal with their own parents, this will be a more effective strategy.
Set Boundaries Without Making Speeches
Don’t try to please her indefinitely. State your boundaries firmly and unapologetically. The more you explain yourself the more power you hand her over your decisions, and unintentionally show that your boundaries are up for negotiation.
Don’t Reward Emotional Manipulation
A big red flag may be a MIL who uses silent treatment, accusations, drama, and guilt-tripping to destabilize your mental peace. Be strong, don’t let her moods dictate or change your decisions, just because you want to restore peace.
Keep Private Matters Private
Have a silent understanding with your partner that you won’t drag her into your personal affairs. No matter how estranged you two may be, keep your matters between the two of you. This will stave off any drama as you deprive her of the emotional ammunition to weaponise against you.
Don’t Compete With Her
Assess your own self. Are you too engaged in petty competition with her? If yes, you need to stop in your tracks right there. Your spouse may love their mother while loving you deeply at the same time, these two affectionate bonds aren’t meant to be exclusive of each other, the love has to coexist in a healthy, balanced way.
Agree on Boundaries With Your Spouse
Decide upfront with your partner how to strictly uphold your boundaries. Sometimes, having fluid boundaries may be the reason your MIL might have any say in your affairs so you can’t blame her for crossing boundaries that you never established. You two need to discuss what your nonnegotiable boundaries are and what happens when they get violated.
Choose Your Battles Carefully
Be mindful about what things you allow to disturb your peace of mind. Not every sarcastic comment, not every argument she may make should make you waste your energy on it. Determine her boundary-crossing behaviors and patterns, instead of getting pulled into a confrontation and ignore them.
Don’t Attack Her Character
No matter how tempted you may be to let your resentment take over and attack her character to prove to your husband you’re on the right side, never do that. Your spouse would get on the defensive when you use labels like toxic, crazy or illogical for their mother. It’s better to keep your life, decisions and issues private and protected than letting her bad remarks get the better of you.
Protect Your Marriage First
Your first priority must be your spouse, not the desire to foil her manipulative plans. When you invest all your energy into defeating her, you rob your marriage of the positive energy and interactions it deserves. You may become too emotionally invested in proving her wrong; you may forget your spouse deserves your time more.
Let Your Spouse Set the Family Boundary
If despite your ignoring, poise, lack of emotional reactions or drama, she repeatedly violates your limits, then it’s high time your partner steps in. They need to clearly communicate your boundaries with a hint of consequences if not followed through. This will serve to discourage her over-interference.
Stop Explaining Every Decision
Marriage is a bond between two people, you are entitled to make any decisions that work best for the two of you. If she may object to your decision you aren’t bound to obey her. You can respect her, honor her advice but you can’t suppress yourself to comply with her commands.
Know When Distance Is Necessary
If you have tried every method to dissuade her interfering and controlling behavior but it continues unabated then you need to take a serious step. You may need to reduce contact and keep interactions as brief as possible.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with an interfering mother-in-law is an uphill battle especially emotionally. You need to maintain respect, boundaries, privacy and contact without letting anything turn disrespectful. What helps the most is to understand the calmer and more indifferent you stay, the firmer you become with your boundaries and the less you compete the better you are able to manage your dynamics with your MIL.
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